Die Hard Dracula

Die Hard Dracula. How can it even be possible to go wrong with a title like this?

I can smell a vampire from a mile away, says the most unrealistic Van Helsing ever with an empty blank stare, in which I can interpret as a glimpse of some self-awareness and the painful realization that he won’t be paid one single nickle for being stuck in this rabbit hole of a movie.

We see Dracula’s casket floating over the Transylvanian landscape in front of some schlocky green screen with the tune of  “Ride Of The Valkyries”. Fully grown “actors” look straight into the camera and says Die Draculaaah… as if they were in a play in an elementary school. We see a young man, which assumingly is Jonathan Harker, who says while confronting Dracula: I’m an American … And we’re tough! Dracula looks more like Meat Loaf and acts like a mental lunatic who tries his best not to impersonate Emperor Palpatine. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time, and when you thought The Room was the peak and Holy Grail of bad movies, you come across forgotten masterpieces like this.

Too bad they missed the opportunity to make the sequel DIE HARD DRACULA WITH A VENGEANCE.

 

 

C ME DANCE

Daddy … I’m so scared...

During the first half it looks like an amateurish indie drama made for YouTube with an emotional sob-story that no one could care less about. But you will never, ever in a million years imagine what happens next. And I’ll just leave it at that..

 

 

 

THE CONJURING 3

The trailer for The Conjuring 3 was finally released some days ago. A young kid named Arne Johnson is accused for killing a man in Connecticut, and Ed and Lorraine must convince the justice system that he was possessed by the devil in order to give him a fair trial, or something like that. Good luck.

This one is based on the “Devil Made Me Do it” case which, unlike the two first films, is not set in a haunted house scenario, nor directed by James Wan. Instead we have to trust on Michael Chaves who directed The Curse of La Llorona. He has some seriously big shoes to fill and also without the screenwriters from the first two films, there’s some reason to lower the expectations. I don’t hope the image of Lorraine in the thumbnail is a subtle warning. Just kidding.

An overall pretty decent trailer, though, and it at least looks like an entertaining ride with elements of crime, horror, fantasy, satanism and God knows what creature we see a glimpse of in the 1:43 mark.

 

What is there to expect from a trailer that starts with a topless lady with bouncy melon boobs tied to a horse? Well… you have my attention. And no, this is not the title of a Rob Zombie music video, it’s the upcoming horror movie of Glenn Danzig, who not so long ago gave us the glorious, demented trainwreck that was Verotika, which as we speak, holds a solid 1.9 on IMDb.

Danny Trejo shows up as a vampire where he seems to struggle not to bite his underlip with his fake teeth while he mumbles his lines. And this was only one of 24 acting gigs he did during 2020, which makes me guess he just have five minutes of screen time and probably didn’t even know which filmset he was on. I still can’t wait for Machete Kills in Space, though!

And what we see during the next minute, God knows what. Some tame torture porn, horrendous CGI, some badly filmed gun-fights and bad acting. Julian Sands shows up as a Lord vampire, or whatever, sitting on a throne somewhere with a face that just says “why the fuck did I say yes to be in this movie…” Kim Director, who always will be known as that goth chick from Blair Witch 2, looks like she just wants to take a nap (in a graveyard).

Overall it looks like a discarded segment of Verotika that’s been stretched out to full-length feature, with the same level of energy as a Billie Eilish song. And as hard as just one of the Verotika segments was to sit through, I can’t imagine what a chore Death Rider In The House Of Vampires will be. But hey, I’m always open to be surprised.

 

Alle må dø (All Must Die)

Last year’s “De Dødes Tjern” has not yet been released on DVD / streaming, and here we already have this year’s new Norwegian horror film, soon ready to penetrate the silver screen. A group of ladies are going to a cabin in the deep woods to throw a bachelorette party, where an ax killer shows up to kill them one by one. My reaction: Meh. More blood and tits, please. But by putting in some goodwill and national patriotism, I’m going to give it a chance.

 

Bhoot: The Haunted Ship

Ghost flick from India. I like the strong, crispy visuals, but besides from that it just looks like some generic jump-scare fest with a checklists of all the horror clichés. And Japan just called, by the way. They want their ghost back.

 

The Superdeep

Horror from Russia. The Kola Superdeep Borehole in the Pechengsky District was a project by some scientist where they would be drilling the world’s deepest hole in 1970. The hole is over 12,000 meters deep, and has to this day its place in the Guinness Records. It is now an abandoned place that is constantly attracting adventurous explorers. And it’s a perfect landmark to make a claustrophobic horror film, where The Thing meets The Descent meets Alien. And the effects seem to be practical old school, which is enough to pique my curiosity.

 

Ouija Shark

Oh my God.. is that a…shark?
Or… ghost?

Here’s some of my trailer reactions to the titles we didn’t get around to see, and some who just flew completely under our radar. Further reviews (for those of them that we’ll check out later) will be uploaded on horrorghouls.com

 

The Dead don’t die

Kylo Ren and Peter Venkman are two police officers who must fight against zombies in a sleepy American town. Doesn’t seem to have much of a plot.. but when an indie filmmaker like Jim Jarmusch, who’s primarily given us poetic dramas and underground art-house films, suddenly makes a mainstream genre film like this, well, it must be at least something unconventional. I don’t know what to expect, really..

 

Ready or Not

When you’re about to get married into a filthy rich elite-family where the mother-in-law gives you the death stare, and looks like the devil incarnate straight from The Illuminati, it’s probably not a bad idea to just run far, far away. I get some exploitation vibes here, especially by looking at the poster, and that’s a good thing.

 

Dr. Sleep

Here’s Dr. Sleeeeep… I’ve seen this trailer several times in the movie theater, and it just didn’t manage to hype me very much. When the archive footage from the Stanley Kubrick version looks so much more scary than Dr. Sleep itself, with the trailer ending with the classic bone-shilling synth track and all, that’s not a good sign. But Mike Flanagan is a talented filmmaker, and I really enjoyed his first season of “The Haunting of Hill House”,  so I’m prepared to be surprised.

 

COuNTDOWN

Ooooh, you better watch out for that spoOOoky app… I just despise smartphones, hoarded with all these fucking, useless apps and all the irritating sounds they make. App this, app that, app in your apphole. So it’s no surprise that I can’t relate much to a cursed app that kills some dumb, degenerated  teenagers. I doesn’t sound a bit scary, either. But I could be wrong. And for all I know, it could be an unintentionally fun film..

 

De Dødes Tjern (Lake of Death)

Haha, dear Lord, this just looks hilariously bad. Norwegian horror films has been a dead horse for many years now, and it doesn’t seem to get any better with this one. In this case it looks so funny-bad that Vanja and I was actually eager to see it for just the shits and giggles. Just look at that fake jump-scare at the end of the trailer. James wan should takes some notes. But since the film flopped so hard that it was pulled from the screen just under a week, we’ll have to wait for the DVD or streaming.

 

The Nightingale

«The Babadook» was a mixed bag for my part, but it clearly showed that the newcomer Jennifer Kent knew how to create melancholy atmosphere and give an insight into mental illness and severe depression in an rather unique way. And her second film, “The Nightingale” doesn’t look any more cheerful, to say at least. Some overwhelmingly positive things have been said about this movie, so yeah, I’m a bit curious.

 

Black Christmas

Uhm… No thanks!