Die Hard Dracula

Die Hard Dracula. How can it even be possible to go wrong with a title like this?

I can smell a vampire from a mile away, says the most unrealistic Van Helsing ever with an empty blank stare, in which I can interpret as a glimpse of some self-awareness and the painful realization that he won’t be paid one single nickle for being stuck in this rabbit hole of a movie.

We see Dracula’s casket floating over the Transylvanian landscape in front of some schlocky green screen with the tune of  “Ride Of The Valkyries”. Fully grown “actors” look straight into the camera and says Die Draculaaah… as if they were in a play in an elementary school. We see a young man, which assumingly is Jonathan Harker, who says while confronting Dracula: I’m an American … And we’re tough! Dracula looks more like Meat Loaf and acts like a mental lunatic who tries his best not to impersonate Emperor Palpatine. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time, and when you thought The Room was the peak and Holy Grail of bad movies, you come across forgotten masterpieces like this.

Too bad they missed the opportunity to make the sequel DIE HARD DRACULA WITH A VENGEANCE.

 

 

C ME DANCE

Daddy … I’m so scared...

During the first half it looks like an amateurish indie drama made for YouTube with an emotional sob-story that no one could care less about. But you will never, ever in a million years imagine what happens next. And I’ll just leave it at that..

 

 

 

THE CONJURING 3

The trailer for The Conjuring 3 was finally released some days ago. A young kid named Arne Johnson is accused for killing a man in Connecticut, and Ed and Lorraine must convince the justice system that he was possessed by the devil in order to give him a fair trial, or something like that. Good luck.

This one is based on the “Devil Made Me Do it” case which, unlike the two first films, is not set in a haunted house scenario, nor directed by James Wan. Instead we have to trust on Michael Chaves who directed The Curse of La Llorona. He has some seriously big shoes to fill and also without the screenwriters from the first two films, there’s some reason to lower the expectations. I don’t hope the image of Lorraine in the thumbnail is a subtle warning. Just kidding.

An overall pretty decent trailer, though, and it at least looks like an entertaining ride with elements of crime, horror, fantasy, satanism and God knows what creature we see a glimpse of in the 1:43 mark.