Die Hard Dracula

Die Hard Dracula. How can it even be possible to go wrong with a title like this?

I can smell a vampire from a mile away, says the most unrealistic Van Helsing ever with an empty blank stare, in which I can interpret as a glimpse of some self-awareness and the painful realization that he won’t be paid one single nickle for being stuck in this rabbit hole of a movie.

We see Dracula’s casket floating over the Transylvanian landscape in front of some schlocky green screen with the tune of  “Ride Of The Valkyries”. Fully grown “actors” look straight into the camera and says Die Draculaaah… as if they were in a play in an elementary school. We see a young man, which assumingly is Jonathan Harker, who says while confronting Dracula: I’m an American … And we’re tough! Dracula looks more like Meat Loaf and acts like a mental lunatic who tries his best not to impersonate Emperor Palpatine. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time, and when you thought The Room was the peak and Holy Grail of bad movies, you come across forgotten masterpieces like this.

Too bad they missed the opportunity to make the sequel DIE HARD DRACULA WITH A VENGEANCE.

 

 

C ME DANCE

Daddy … I’m so scared...

During the first half it looks like an amateurish indie drama made for YouTube with an emotional sob-story that no one could care less about. But you will never, ever in a million years imagine what happens next. And I’ll just leave it at that..

 

 

 

THE CONJURING 3

The trailer for The Conjuring 3 was finally released some days ago. A young kid named Arne Johnson is accused for killing a man in Connecticut, and Ed and Lorraine must convince the justice system that he was possessed by the devil in order to give him a fair trial, or something like that. Good luck.

This one is based on the “Devil Made Me Do it” case which, unlike the two first films, is not set in a haunted house scenario, nor directed by James Wan. Instead we have to trust on Michael Chaves who directed The Curse of La Llorona. He has some seriously big shoes to fill and also without the screenwriters from the first two films, there’s some reason to lower the expectations. I don’t hope the image of Lorraine in the thumbnail is a subtle warning. Just kidding.

An overall pretty decent trailer, though, and it at least looks like an entertaining ride with elements of crime, horror, fantasy, satanism and God knows what creature we see a glimpse of in the 1:43 mark.

 

A new episode of the short horror comic series Bella Mortis Presents has been published today! The title of this episode is The Sphinx, and it’s a (somewhat silly) story about two tourists who are interested in the mysteries of Ancient Egypt, but ends up getting more than they bargained for..

You can read it here: http://www.bellamortispresents.com/comics/thesphinx/

 

What is there to expect from a trailer that starts with a topless lady with bouncy melon boobs tied to a horse? Well… you have my attention. And no, this is not the title of a Rob Zombie music video, it’s the upcoming horror movie of Glenn Danzig, who not so long ago gave us the glorious, demented trainwreck that was Verotika, which as we speak, holds a solid 1.9 on IMDb.

Danny Trejo shows up as a vampire where he seems to struggle not to bite his underlip with his fake teeth while he mumbles his lines. And this was only one of 24 acting gigs he did during 2020, which makes me guess he just have five minutes of screen time and probably didn’t even know which filmset he was on. I still can’t wait for Machete Kills in Space, though!

And what we see during the next minute, God knows what. Some tame torture porn, horrendous CGI, some badly filmed gun-fights and bad acting. Julian Sands shows up as a Lord vampire, or whatever, sitting on a throne somewhere with a face that just says “why the fuck did I say yes to be in this movie…” Kim Director, who always will be known as that goth chick from Blair Witch 2, looks like she just wants to take a nap (in a graveyard).

Overall it looks like a discarded segment of Verotika that’s been stretched out to full-length feature, with the same level of energy as a Billie Eilish song. And as hard as just one of the Verotika segments was to sit through, I can’t imagine what a chore Death Rider In The House Of Vampires will be. But hey, I’m always open to be surprised.

Here’s another fun Sally trivia.

The inspiration for Sally’s old farmhouse was originally located in French Creek Road, Clayton, New York. It didn’t actually took long before I found it after some “location scouting” on google.

 

 

The original house was built around 1880 and at one time was a bed and breakfast owned by the Comins family. Many families lived there over the many decades. It was eventually abandonded and burned down in 2008. Only the chimney of the house and the barn next to it remains.

Sally's House

Sally's House

Wasalandia, Finland, 1991. The last vacation I had with my parents. I was eight years old. And this is one of the The Haunted Houses that has stuck with me ever since, for some reason.

Nostalgia is a powerful thing.

 

The video above is from 2010, and isn’t recorded by me. The park went out of business in 2015. The memory  remains.

The intro sequence  in Sally The Ghost Hunter: Children of The Priest is inspired from that attraction 👻

 

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